The Distance of a Biscuit Stick
by Seigus
Summary: A foolish mistake on Pocky Day five years ago sent Honoka into an abyss of regret and self-hatred. She wonders if she will ever have the chance to give the Pocky Game a good ending.


**A/N:** I know it's late but here's my TsubaHono (who else?) contribution to Pocky Day. Hope you will like it ^_^

* * *

" _Today is 11 November! Have you got your Pocky date yet?"_

Honoka sighed, burying her face in her knees as the enthralling feminine voice from the TV commercial reverberated in her studio apartment. She had been seeing that heart-wrenchingly familiar visage all over Tokyo this past week in Glico's Pocky Day campaign which had invaded every available media platform. TV commercials. Full page ads in the newspapers and magazines. Heck, the promotional videos were all over her Facebook feed. Who could blame her friends for their enthusiasm in sharing it though? After all, it featured the hottest celebrity in Japan right now - the petite but amazing singer whose emerald eyes easily captivated a person's soul. Her poise and sharp dance moves radiated immense star power at her every live. Her beauty and charisma appealed greatly to members of both sexes. Girls swooned over her charming smirks and unwavering confidence while guys fell for her sexy giggles and coy winks. All. The. Time.

Then there was that doting smile that only Honoka had seen. Her heart squeezed. She peered at the rectangular pink box in her hand. Its corners were no longer sharp and there was a visible crease running down the middle. It was but an empty shell, the edible contents long gone.

" _Will it be chocolate or strawberry this year? If you ask me, I'd choose chocolate over strawberry any day!"_

Honoka's grip tightened a little, deepening the crease.

* * *

It was a bad idea to leave her apartment. When Honoka arrived at Shinjuku station, she was bombarded by gigantic Pocky advertisements plastered all over the walls and pillars. Excitable schoolgirls posed for pictures with the ads while a rowdy bunch of teenage boys hugged one of the pillars and pretended to smooch the flawless face on it.

But she must admit - those glossy lips were very kissable. Soft, warm and _loving_.

Her cool fingertips traced her own dry lips. How long had it been since the day she experienced her first and _only_ kiss? Too much time had passed since the time she was prancing around in her navy blue uniform while the other cut a striking figure in her impeccably white blazer and skirt. Her eyes trailed to the face on the wall before her. Time had been generous to the already attractive female. She hadn't changed much but the little details could not escape Honoka's eyes: a sharper jawline, a more intense gaze, and a forehead which remained baby smooth over the years.

And the text below struck her right in the gut: Kira Tsubasa.

* * *

Honoka had thought she could find solace in her favorite hangout spot - Akihabara's game centers. She had been and still was a big fan of rhythm games and dance machines. The school idol blood in her never truly died. The energetic beats made her forget a relationship that could have been but never was. The fleeting touches in the past were the only memories she had of an almost-romance.

" _Honoka-san."_

 _The seventeen-year-old turned around to find the stunning leader of A-RISE standing next to the bench she was sitting on. The smile on Tsubasa's face was warm and tender and Honoka couldn't resist tackling the brunette with a hug. The pair were at Ueno Park again, basking in the tranquil orange sunset. Although Tsubasa had graduated from high school, they still kept in constant contact, meeting up regularly at the place where they had their first private talk after Muse beat A-RISE._

 _Tsubasa giggled. "You really like hugging, don't you?"_

" _Only with the people I love." It was a guileless response which Honoka didn't think much of but if she were less oblivious, she would've noticed Tsubasa's body turning stiff for a split second. And it might have prepared her for the events that would transpire next._

" _What's that?" Honoka asked, curiosity shining in her azure eyes when she spotted Tsubasa hiding something behind her back. Tsubasa brought her hand forward with a hint of hesitance that was rare of the self-assured former school idol._

 _It was a flat pink box that was known to anyone in Japan._

... . ...

And now Honoka was staring at a mountain of them in the crane machine at the entrance of the game center. She winced as the familiar jaws of regret gnawed at her insides.

... . ...

" _Strawberry Pocky!" cheered Honoka. She loved all things strawberry and Tsubasa knew that. She made a grab for it but the older girl swiftly moved the snack out of her reach._

" _Do you know what day it is?"_

" _Er... Friday?"_

" _11 November."_

 _The ginger tilted her head, frowning in confusion. "So?"_

 _A small grin stretched across Tsubasa's lips. "It's Pocky Day. Don't you know about it?"_

" _Ah, you're right!" Honoka stuck out her tongue sheepishly. "How could I have forgotten?"_

" _So I believe you know about the game that people play on this day?" Tsubasa's tone was a tad unsure._

 _Honoka pondered briefly. "You mean the game where two people bite from the different ends of the stick and whoever breaks off the stick first loses?"_

 _There was a flash of relief across Tsubasa's face before her smile returned. "I was wondering if you would like to play it with me."_

 _Honoka pushed up her sleeve as her competitive side took charge. "Bring it on! But let me warn you first. I've never lost in this game. Umi-chan and Kotori-chan and I used to play it when we were younger and I always won!"_

" _Oh?" Tsubasa raised a disbelieving eyebrow. "Don't underestimate me."_

... . ...

Honoka slotted a 100 yen coin into the UFO catcher. It was the kind that allowed one to easily win a load of prizes in one try. Why was she doing this? It made no sense. It wouldn't turn back time and give her a chance to change things - things that she had messed up because she had been so fucking ignorant.

 _... . ..._

 _Close! Too close! Honoka felt her face heating up rapidly as she positioned her mouth at the cream-covered end of the biscuit stick. Why was she feeling butterflies in her stomach? It had never happened before with Kotori or Umi._

 _Wow… Tsubasa has very long lashes. Her skin is so smooth. What shampoo does she use? It smells really good…_

 _Honoka nearly bit off the stick even before the game had begun when she realized the thoughts that were running through her mind. Eyes darting about in a panic, she only returned her gaze to Tsubasa when the other cleared her throat. That was when she noticed a faint red hue adorning Tsubasa's cheeks. Funny, it wasn't there earlier._

 _Tsubasa held up three fingers and counted down to signal the start of the game. Momentarily forgetting the weird feelings she had, Honoka began nibbling down the length of the stick. She couldn't ruin her perfect track record now! But it seemed like Tsubasa was hellbent on winning too._

 _Suddenly Honoka's breath hitched. Her heartbeat drummed in her ears. Why? She didn't understand. As though Tsubasa was reading her mind, the brunette halted too._

 _Their eyes met. Striking green boring into startled blue._

 _Honoka gulped. Her knees wobbled._

 _Then Tsubasa closed the distance between their lips._

... . ...

Honoka slammed her hands down on the machine. She had missed. The tower of Pocky sat steadfastly within the transparent walls. How could she miss something so simple? Like how she had missed the chance years ago. _Stupid! Stupid!_ She deserved the pathetic life she was living now while her friends had all found their significant others. Tears pricked at the corners of her eyes. Biting her lip, she dashed out of the game center, ignoring the yelps of the people she bumped into.

 _... . ..._

 _The sweet and slightly tangy flavor of strawberry burst in her mouth but it was the last thing on her mind. Tsubasa was kissing her. Soft, warm lips moving gently against her own. Honoka stepped back in shock but a hand wrapped around her waist and pulled her closer, holding her in place. Her world fell away. Tsubasa's fresh and comforting scent engulfed her senses. It was nice despite its abruptness and she liked it. But it was this same pleasant feeling that scared her. It was foreign, unknown and most of all, against social norms. Her hand came up to Tsubasa's chest, intending to push her away but she left it there as she lost herself in the kiss. The caress of Tsubasa's lips was more alluring than she could have imagined._

 _When they finally broke apart for air, she found Tsubasa gazing at her with the most adoring smile she had ever seen on a person's face._

" _Honoka-san, I… I really like y-"_

 _It was that instant when reality crashed back down and she found the strength to push Tsubasa away. All because she didn't know what to do with the newfound feelings she had._

 _How stupid._

 _She could never forget the crushed look that overcame Tsubasa. If she had stayed, she would have seen the esteemed ex-school idol breaking down and falling to her knees._

 _But she didn't. Because she ran away._

... . ...

Just like what she was doing now. Running aimlessly through the streets of Akihabara. The signs had been there all along. The way Tsubasa's fingers brushed hers as they walked side by side. The way Tsubasa paid attention to all her likes and dislikes. The way Tsubasa accepted her bumbling nature without a word of complaint. The way Tsubasa smiled _that smile_ at her and only her. If only she had noticed them earlier, she could have prepared herself for that fateful moment. Maybe she wouldn't have reacted in such an off-putting manner. She must have made Tsubasa feel like a monster and guilt still ate at her consciousness till this day. It was a full week after the incident before Tsubasa messaged her.

" _Honoka-san, I have been offered a solo contract by Sony Music. The training will start next month and it will be very intensive so don't worry, I won't bother you anymore. I'm sorry for ruining things between us. You must think I'm weird, huh? Please forget whatever I'd said and take good care of yourself._ _"_

By the time Honoka found the courage to call Tsubasa, the number had become invalid.

If only she had observed the people around her, she would have learned same-sex attraction was not all that uncommon. In university, a few of her friends came out to her. First was Nozomi and Eli who started their relationship in their second year in Otonokizaka. Then it was Kotori and Umi who were dating behind her back until she witnessed them sharing a kiss in their dorm room. That was the trigger for her to move out to live on her own, surviving on her part-time job's paltry pay and some allowance from her parents.

People make mistakes. Some are foolish. Some are avoidable. Some are unforgivable. Honoka guessed hers belonged to all three. She wondered if Tsubasa hated her, or perhaps she had moved on long ago and found someone more deserving of her love. There were rumors about her getting close to her co-star in her latest drama. Tanned and trim with deep-set sapphire eyes and dark bristly brows, he came from a modeling background and had bagged the award for Most Popular Male Artiste last year. A match made in heaven, the media claimed as they splashed behind-the-scenes photos of the two leads all over the tabloids and Internet. Selfies posted on the guy's Twitter account only added fuel to the rumors.

Honoka slapped her icy cheeks and shook her head. She had somehow made her way to Ueno Park after loitering the streets for hours. A quick glance at her phone told her it was already 1:20 am. She chuckled dryly. _Looks like Pocky Day is over._ The park was devoid of other human beings. Taking a seat on a bench, she scrolled through her picture gallery absently until her finger came to a stop on two smiling faces; one of them was doing her signature wink. The rounded Japanese characters on the photo read 'TsubaHono'. After all these years, she still couldn't forget the brunette. If only she had figured out her own feelings earlier…

She growled and tugged fiercely at her hair. All these if only's were wrecking her brain. Tapping her screen, she logged into Facebook.

" _Will it be chocolate or strawberry this year? If you ask me, I'd choose chocolate over strawberry any day! It suits someone cool and mysterious like me, don't you think?"_

The same video topped her news feed again. _Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate…_ Maybe it was Tsubasa's way of telling her she had moved on. Unable to contain her frustration anymore, Honoka bolted up and yelled towards the glistening lake.

"DO YOU NOT LIKE STRAWBERRY ANYMORE?"

Her voice traveled across the clear water surface and dissipated among the lush trees. She slumped back down on the bench and closed her eyes, trying to steady her erratic breathing.

Maybe she should move on too. Stop rejecting all the advances she received, be it from men or women. The self-imposed punishment had been the way she chose to cope with her guilt. Five years had come and gone but her heart was still pining for the one she had hurt so deeply. It was impossible now. There was no way to contact her; Tsubasa was a superstar while she was a nobody – or a has-been at most.

"You know, I still love strawberry."

Honoka scoffed. Even her mind was messing with her. She must be really tired.

"I was told to say that to push the sales of the chocolate flavor."

The voice sounded so close that it made her heart lurch. She peeked open a reddened eye and gasped. Standing to her side was Tsubasa looking not a day over eighteen. Silky chestnut strands framed her heart-shaped face while her affectionate gaze reflected the silvery glow of the full moon. And, the thing that gave rise to a stinging sensation in her eyes, _that smile_.

"Tsubasa..."

She rose slowly, hopefully. Her mouth quivered as she fought back a sob. Her vision soon turned into a blurry mess akin to a haphazard watercolor painting and she squeezed her eyes shut, feeling the hot droplets roll down her cheeks. Then she opened her eyes.

Nothing. _No one_.

Just her. And her own shaky breaths.

"Tsubasa-san?" She nudged her leaden feet forward. Her head whipped left to right, and left again. Trees. Bench. Grass. Lake.

"S-Stop playing around... Where are you, Tsubasa-san? T-Tsubasa-san! Tsubasa-san! Tsubasa! Tsuba... sa..."

She sank to her knees, not caring when the gravel bits scratched her skin. Finally giving in to the enormity of her self-loathing and loss, she wailed and her tears flowed like a river without a dam, staining the ground they touched into a darker brown. Her breathing was noisy, ragged. And as though the heavens felt her pain, it started drizzling which swiftly evolved into larger and heavier drops pelting her back.

In the raucous downpour, no one heard her screams.

* * *

Honoka dragged herself out of the cab, staggering when her legs nearly buckled. She was back at where she started. Facing the world-famous Shibuya Crossing, she wondered why she alighted here instead of her apartment building a few streets away. Oh right, she was drawn by the billboard ad of Tsubasa promoting Majolica Majorca's latest line of cream pencil liners. The dramatic smokey eye effect complemented her upturned piercing eyes perfectly, making her emerald orbs shine like those of a coquettish cat in the night.

 _She certainly is in a different league._

Honoka's caramel shearling boots sploshed through the puddles on the sidewalk. The November night breeze chilled the drenched woman to the bone and her clothes stuck to her like a rejected second layer of skin. She should be heading home for a warm bath in her tiny tub but her legs brought her to the nearby Family Mart where she picked up a box of strawberry Pocky.

 _What am I doing?  
_

Ripping open the foil packaging with numb fingers, she pulled out one of the biscuits and stuck the cream-covered end in her mouth. She raised her head. From her point of view, it appeared as though she was offering it to the image of Tsubasa.

 _I must be going crazy._

Not that there was anyone to judge her at this ungodly hour though. The only humans around were a couple of homeless folks but they were curled up under their makeshift cardboard blankets, fast asleep.

 _Sorry, Tsubasa-san. I owe you a better ending to our game._

"Ho… noka... san?"

The ginger froze. _This voice… It is… No!_ She slapped her palms over her ears and shook her head vigorously. _No, no, no! It must be my imagination! You won't fool me again!_

"It's you, isn't it? Honoka-san."

Honoka didn't want - didn't dare - to turn around lest she had to go through the anguish all over again. She pressed down harder on her ears. The sound of the rain became a muffled drone. She glared hard at the floor, willing herself not to break down a second time. A large round shadow loomed and the rain stopped battering her. A familiar decadent jasmine fragrance invaded her senses, filling her with a long lost sense of warmth. The Pocky stick fell from her mouth.

"No… it's a lie…"

But it wasn't. Standing right before her was Kira Tsubasa. Although her eyes were slightly obscured behind a pair of thick black-framed glasses and the lower half of her face behind a white mask, she couldn't be wrong. How could she when she had been dreaming of this person every night?

Tsubasa pulled down the mask with her hand that was not holding the umbrella. "It's been a while, hasn't it?" She continued when Honoka didn't answer, "Have you been… crying?"

At that, Honoka rubbed her eyes hastily, part of her thankful that it was raining. She knew she couldn't lie to Tsubasa so she changed the subject instead. "What are you doing here at this time?" Her voice was hoarse, and she cursed herself mentally.

Tsubasa shuffled her feet. "I'm actually waiting for my manager to pick me up but I got here a little early. I, well," she scratched her cheek, "woke up feeling I should come out for a stroll. Maybe I'm too excited for my Europe tour." She ended with an awkward laugh.

She glanced down at the wet floor, watching the rain drops splash off the polished tips of her leather boots. Her grip on the umbrella tightened.

"I've missed you, Honoka-san."

Honoka's throat constricted as a fresh bout of tears welled up in her swollen eyes.

"Tsubasa-san, I-I'm… sor-mmph!"

Her words were cut off when Tsubasa crushed her body against hers, enveloping her as if afraid she would disappear again.

"Shh… Just let me hug you… please."

Honoka fell silent. There were so many questions she longed to ask Tsubasa. _How have you been? When did you start wearing glasses? Have you grown taller? Are you going out with that man? Do you hate me?_ And there was that question. She couldn't keep it in her anymore.

"Do you prefer chocolate Pocky now?"

She felt Tsubasa shake her head and she allowed herself to cry. It was different from her bawling at the park. The tears she had kept in her over the years spilled forth and sobs racked her frail frame, robbing her of the ability to speak and squeezing the air from her lungs. She had waited– no, hoped far too long for this. Sadly, it wasn't meant to last. The instrumental intro of Muse's "Snow Halation" sounded from Tsubasa's pocket, snapping the two women back to reality. Tsubasa reluctantly withdrew her hands from Honoka's back.

"My manager says she's reaching soon," she informed after ending the call, eyes downcast. "I have to go."

Honoka had the urge to grab her and beg her not to leave but she couldn't- shouldn't. She didn't own the right anymore.

"But before that," Tsubasa pointed at the soaked box in Honoka's hand, "can I have a stick of that?" After receiving the Pocky, she took a bite, chewing slowly and savoring the nostalgia it brought about.

"I really like strawberry. I still do, after all these years." She was smiling _that smile_ again, but this time, Honoka noticed the glistening sheen of resignation in Tsubasa's eyes.

 _Many times in life, we have to be content with what we get._

 _And this is one of those times._

Honoka peeped at Tsubasa's small figure disappearing into the car with tinted windows from her position under the overhead bridge. Then she stared at the biscuit stick between her fingertips.

 _All the best, Tsubasa-san. And thank you._

She bit down on the stick, breaking it in the middle.

* * *

 **A/N:** Thank you for reading! This was a spur of the moment thing but I enjoyed writing every bit of it and I had to fight the big softie in me who was clamoring for fluff and a happy ending. I watched 'Kimi no Na wa' recently and was very inspired by Shinkai Makoto's stunning visuals and meticulous storytelling so I was hoping some of the emotions I felt would rub off on this fic. If you haven't caught the film, I suggest you do so soon!


End file.
